Time of Your Life

"I know this ain't usually your scene, but don't worry about it girl, just be yourself. I swear, I ain't gonna, I ain't gonna say a thing. Just have the time of your life, time of your life, let it go. Have the time of your life, time of your life, baby let it show."

This song is the theme song for me for the past week and still will be for the next few weeks, because that all I'm doing - having the time of my life. Hehehe. Oh happy days, you are so good to me lately! ^_^

So I've been taking the advice I gave myself in my last post and it's working miracles. As long as I am leaving that door open for some sunlight, I'm able to see what life has to offer me. I am shocked at how much I've held back - there won't be anymore of that nonsense; I am applying 110% in myself and there's no stopping me. :]

It's time to continue on with the rest of the night! Play safe and stay gold, babies!
XOXO

It's Too Late for Us

Eat, Pray, Love - Chapter 48, page 150: A Conversation Between Liz and Richard

"But I love him."
"So love him."
"But I miss him."
"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go."

Although I was not fond of this book when I was forced to read it for class, I can't help myself but to refer back to this part of the book. At first, I thought Liz Gilbert was acting like a child. She couldn't get over a simple heartache? How ridiculous she is. Little did I know that I would be in the same exact position as her. Oh, Richard, what wise words you hold.

These past few days have been better than the last. I'm seeing more sunshine in my life and surrounding myself with good company. Company. That's all I really need at this moment. Nothing more or less. Company. I sometimes think my curiosity will be the death of me. I can't help but to wonder: "How are you? (Honestly.)" "Do you miss me like I miss you?" "Was I really that difficult for you deal with?" "Am I going to be like my mother?" "Did all that stress override all those good memories?" Some things I will never know. But I am determined to carry on! As of right now, I have too much going on for me to slow down. Company. I am going to surround myself with company who wants me instead of with company who doesn't. I am rambling and not making sense. Sorry. Have a good day!



XOXO

Tongue Tied

Hello world! It is a rainy day today! This week as been full of ups and downs. It started very slowly but worked it's way up to the weekend! After my horrible issue with my wisdom tooth on Tuesday, I got that sucker out of me on Wednesday. THANK YOU BABY JESUS. Everything seemed to be going uphill from there! I got the chance to revisit old friends and those familiar faces. It's nice to see your past in it's current routine.

So these past week, I've been filling up my days with catching up, hanging out, etc. I realized that for almost two years, I isolated myself from interacting with others. I can't believe I used to be that outspoken, feisty teen two years ago. I miss that. Why did I stop expressing myself? I guess for the last two years, I applied myself whole-heartedly to that one section of my life. I'm going to make so changes: I'm going to smile more, ease up on the brow works, and apply the best of myself daily.

Getting back in the game is not how I want to perceive myself. I am going to love life as I did before and see what love it will give me back. I will not force it; I'm going to embrace it. Every now and then I'll give it a little push, but all in all, I will expect nothing more or less. So far so good, right? :]

XOXO

Words of Wisdom

Today I am experiencing the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. Just when things are getting better, my wisdom tooth decides to pay me a visit along with other things. My appetite is now back to zero and my stress levels are skyrocketing. I am drowning in my tears while praying that this toothache does not escalate, but I am wrong. It has traveled to my ears, head, throat, and the rest of my body. If I had the option to jump in front a train or deal with this, I would chose the train without a doubt. It would be a quick and easy death for me. Like I said before, great fucking timing. This week was filled with joyous plans and necessary exams, but now I fear that I must miss all of them and die painfully slow in my bed.

I do not want a funeral; I want to be cremated.

Now if you would excuse me, I have a paper to write and a test to study for. Good fucking night.

Make Damn Sure

Well, well, well... Managed to up my sleeping dosage to almost five hours this time instead of the usual three or four! I'm making progress! Let's hope this sleep deprivation does not kick me in my butt later in the day, because it's going to be a long day at school.

Yesterday was a good day. It started out slowly, but worked it's way up to being a relaxing day that I didn't have trouble accepting. The day didn't feel so long anymore. I'm starting to smile more and shutting out my darkness. I had a close call to a relapse yesterday, but friends and words of encouragement motivated me to hold off on it. I'm too emotional to be making such decisions that I might look back on kicking myself because I wish I hadn't. The distraction I've come up with to help me get my mind off things is just good company. That's all I really need and so far, they are doing just that and more. I can't thank them enough for being so supportive and generous to me.

I've managed to put away those memories hidden away. Quite literally and figuratively. It's pretty painful for me to see that it came to an end all so quickly. One moment we would be like that, but now we're like this. To save me from the agonizing reminder of something that used to be, I'm working on something that no longer will be. As much as I'd hate to admit it, I want things to go back the way they were, but seeing how much suffering it put me through these past few days, I don't want to feel this way again. If it's not going to be this time, there will be a next time, because it already happened in the past. I should've seen it coming, but I had strong hope and faith then. Now I have strong hope and faith in myself to get through this and slap a smile on my face. I am doing a mighty fine job right now, and there's no stopping me.

XOXO

Getting Down to Business

Oh sleepless nights, you will be the death of me.

Yesterday was a day of accomplishments. I finally got to clear my head and be able to see reality (most of it). The hives still remain, but less significant. I ATE. It feels like I ate a whole week's worth of food though. Unfortunately, my sleepless nights are gunna be here longer than I had hope. (Dear Sleepless Nights: Please stop when school starts; I need my rest). I must thank Pandora for coming up with the perfect playlist for the Blink 182 station. Puts me in the perfect mood in my darkest place. And I can't help, but to feel a lot of weight has been lifted off of me. Funny how much of an impact music gives you.

I realized that I've been convincing myself to see things the way I wanted to see them for too long. Does that make sense? Please let me elaborate. I fooled myself that everything was perfect and dandy. I kept on thinking, "This is how things are suppose to be. This is what you're gunna get and you're gunna like it." In reality, I should've said, "No, this is not how things are suppose to be. I do not like this and I could do better." But I didn't. Basically, I was blinded by the efforts I tried to make something work when it was not meant to be. At first, it was us against the world, but it soon became us against each other. I stopped blaming myself that I was at fault, because I applied myself whole-heartedly. All I did was want to give and shower love and emotion. I thought for the better. I wanted to bring out the best. I wanted to give happiness. I wanted to take advantage of what a beautiful life we are blessed with; I wanted to share my love for life. I thought as a whole - not for an individual. Even through the rough times, I still remained positive and tried even harder to apply all the above. I will admit that some times the way I show my emotions aren't exactly in the nicest way, but at least I responded. In the past, it was extremely hard for me to expose such emotions so publicly and freely, but I guess it came so naturally at that moment. This is not a bitterness moment; I am merely seeing things more clearly. I gained so much more insight from this experience, so how could I degrade it? My conclusion from yesterday was: If you're the person who wants to give, but the other party does not want any it, then there's not much to work with, sister. Haha. It just sucks not being wanted. Throughout my life, I've dealt with that problem so many times; it should seem like I would be used to it by now, but how can you ever accept that you are unwanted? Find another resource that wants you and isn't afraid to do so.

Right person, wrong time. Wrong person, right time. Whatever you wanna call it, I'm going to use that cliche line from "This Means War":

"Don't choose the better man, choose the man who makes you a better woman."

XOXO

Queen of Wishful Thinking

I must confess that this is much harder than I thought. I was fooled by my morning hunger yesterday. Although I managed to prolong my sleep to four hours instead of two or three, I keep on waking up anxious for something. I don't know what I'm anticipating for that makes me on my toes. Okay I lied, I do know what I'm waiting for, but I'm 99.9% that it's not going to happen. Even after a long day of occupying myself with busy work and mere distractions, I still find myself sensitive to everything. Having a casual conversation with a friend would cause the water works to start - how silly of me. The great company who have supported me is more than I can ask for and I'm trying my best to be myself again - for them. I don't want to be that person who is lifeless; what a burden it will be to be around with.

Of course my mind is constantly flooded with what if thoughts, wishes that I could've done something differently, and happy/sad memories that replay in my head. After I can't take it anymore, I bring myself to realize, "Well, this is it, friend. You can keep on wishing and wanting better results, but in a few years, you're going to see that this was the better results. If you think about it, you can't force things to happen your way. You can only be a factor of how life turns out, because it requires so much more than yourself to determine end results. You just gotta wait for those other factors that are able to bring you happiness and results that you want." During this hard time of withdrawal, I am desperate to want everything to go back to the way things were. I hope this phase doesn't last long; I want to find the sun in the darkness of my shadow.

Yesterday while in my friend's car, my ears managed to catch on to song called "King of Wishful Thinking." I can't help but to say that this song is my theme song as of this moment. I guess I wanna say that this is a little something that's going to be my motivation - wishful thinking.

"The King Of Wishful Thinking"
[Originally by Go West]

I don't need to fall at your feet
Just cause you cut me to the bone
And I won't miss the way that you kiss me
We were never carved in stone

And If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
Because I am the king of wishful thinking
Because I am the king of wishful thinking

I refuse to give into my blues
That's not how its gonna be
And I deny the tears in my eyes
I don't wanna let you see, no

That you had made a hole in my heart
And now I've got to fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you

Because I am the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
Because I'm the king of wishful thinking

If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
Because I'm the king of wishful thinking
I am the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you I know I will
You made a whole in my heart
But I won't shed a tear for you
I'll be the king of wishful thinking
(I'll be the king of wishful)

I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my hearts still beating
Cause I've got no more tears for you
I am the king of wishful thinking
(king of wishful thinking) no



XOXO

So We Meet Again

My hives have found its way back to me, permanently. Isn't that just lovely? Seems to me that it's much more than a coincidence to be finally back out of all the times. Great timing, hives! But know this: I won't let you make me trap myself in my room popping Benadryl ever four hours. I will see daylight again without worrying about you. Be scared, hives! Hehehe.

I woke up this morning happy to know that my sleepless nights are improving! Meaning I am able to sleep.. somewhat. Although after 2 or 3 hours I still wake up in a panic, I was able to go back to a deep slumber which is progress. The nightmares I had are currently nowhere to be seen and I am so relieved. I don't think I can go back to sleep if they return again. So wish me luck that they are gone forever! (=

Another upside is that my hunger is back! After days of a diminished appetite, I woke up wanting food. I started off with a crisp apple which tasted like heaven. Now I am anxious to eat whatever I can, but I should control myself.. Can't afford to gain any weight at this moment.. Hahaha.

I didn't wake up this morning to expose my progress. I woke up feeling like I got life back into me like I wasn't able to for a long time. It feels really nice to see and feel the brighter side again. Maybe today is just a good day for me and the upcoming ones will put me into my dark place again, but I will be aware that those good days are possible; therefore, I will work hard to get to the brighter side.

I'm ready to get back at it!

XOXO

Dear Self

Find my sun in the dark side of my shadow.
- "Not Your Fault" by Awolnation

This isn't easy right now; it's hard to accept, but be happy knowing what a great ride it had been. It may feel like a total loss right now, but you also gained so much more out of it. Think of it as a profit. You are fortunate to have the most wonderful friends around you, so there is no excuse to say you feel lonely, missy! You will be up and at it before you know it. You will be okay, not matter how terrible you feel right now. Keep on thinking GOLD.

XOXO

P.S. Stop crouching over so much; you're gunna look like the Hunchback of Notre-dome. Stop looking mad all the time - doesn't give a good impression to others. Give more gratitude and appreciation to those around you - it's nice to remind them how much they mean to you. Now quit your sobbing and whining because you sound like a psycho blogging to yourself although you're the only one reading. HA.