Queen of Wishful Thinking

I must confess that this is much harder than I thought. I was fooled by my morning hunger yesterday. Although I managed to prolong my sleep to four hours instead of two or three, I keep on waking up anxious for something. I don't know what I'm anticipating for that makes me on my toes. Okay I lied, I do know what I'm waiting for, but I'm 99.9% that it's not going to happen. Even after a long day of occupying myself with busy work and mere distractions, I still find myself sensitive to everything. Having a casual conversation with a friend would cause the water works to start - how silly of me. The great company who have supported me is more than I can ask for and I'm trying my best to be myself again - for them. I don't want to be that person who is lifeless; what a burden it will be to be around with.

Of course my mind is constantly flooded with what if thoughts, wishes that I could've done something differently, and happy/sad memories that replay in my head. After I can't take it anymore, I bring myself to realize, "Well, this is it, friend. You can keep on wishing and wanting better results, but in a few years, you're going to see that this was the better results. If you think about it, you can't force things to happen your way. You can only be a factor of how life turns out, because it requires so much more than yourself to determine end results. You just gotta wait for those other factors that are able to bring you happiness and results that you want." During this hard time of withdrawal, I am desperate to want everything to go back to the way things were. I hope this phase doesn't last long; I want to find the sun in the darkness of my shadow.

Yesterday while in my friend's car, my ears managed to catch on to song called "King of Wishful Thinking." I can't help but to say that this song is my theme song as of this moment. I guess I wanna say that this is a little something that's going to be my motivation - wishful thinking.

"The King Of Wishful Thinking"
[Originally by Go West]

I don't need to fall at your feet
Just cause you cut me to the bone
And I won't miss the way that you kiss me
We were never carved in stone

And If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
Because I am the king of wishful thinking
Because I am the king of wishful thinking

I refuse to give into my blues
That's not how its gonna be
And I deny the tears in my eyes
I don't wanna let you see, no

That you had made a hole in my heart
And now I've got to fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you

Because I am the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
Because I'm the king of wishful thinking

If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
Because I'm the king of wishful thinking
I am the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you I know I will
You made a whole in my heart
But I won't shed a tear for you
I'll be the king of wishful thinking
(I'll be the king of wishful)

I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my hearts still beating
Cause I've got no more tears for you
I am the king of wishful thinking
(king of wishful thinking) no



XOXO