Love Will Save Your Soul

I don't know how I can describe how amazing summer was. It is a bittersweet moment to realize those memorable summer days are now behind me, but I know for a fact that fall will be just as good. I analyzed how 2012 was and all I can say is that it's been the best fucking year YET. I don't know how many times I can repeat myself about this, but I absolutely love reconnecting with old friends or acquaintances. After high school I prepared myself and expected to lose a lot of friends, but little did I know that I would have stronger friendships and relationships with people who I wouldn't expect to be close to. I am grateful for the people in my life, especially my family and friends. Despite all the unfortunate events that occurred this year, they put me in a high position in life. They pushed me to learn life lessons and to love life more than I ever thought I could. Let's take this whole drunk driver accident as an example. It left me car-less since July. Yes, it's been a quite nuisance, but considering that school is starting, I do not have to find parking, pay for a parking permit, nor fork over about 200$ a month for gas. To top it all off, I hate driving anyway. It's funny how such a horrible incident turned into some sort of a blessing. Hehehe.

This year, I made a break through with my family. I overcame the hardest obstacle in my life and so much has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm building the ideal relationship with my family that I always wanted, especially with my dad. This year, I got over a devastating heartbreak. I am forever grateful for this experience, because it taught me so much more than I could ever imagine. I did not necessarily need to "recover" from this moment in life. Instead, I was able to finally see reality and create a more desirable life for myself. I am in no need to accommodate to the likes and needs of others because I have solely myself to focus on. I'm not hesitant to hold back on living life. I am able to express myself to the fullest while still learning and creating life as the days go on (this does not mean getting knocked up). This year, I was able to do the things I've always wanted. I finally took a road trip with friends to San Francisco, purchased my Coachella tickets, see some of my childhood memories perform right before my eyes in concert, etc. The plans I have in store in fall is to die for. I can hardly contain myself. So far, in October I have about 5 concerts already booked and in November or December I'm planning to do a getaway weekend to NYC to experience and see snow firsthand!

Okay I'm going to stop myself now because I could go on about how much I'm looking forward to these next couple of months. Hehehe.

Happy Thursday!
XOXO

Neutral Ground

I had the pleasure of going to a concert last night for Sea Wolf. After two years of being in the cave, they still sounded beautifully. Honestly, I had low expectations of this concert at first, but little did I know my mind was going to be blown away. The opening act of Geographer was absolutely amazing. I never knew men with full beards could be so damn sexy. As I stood in front of Alex Church, I was completely mesmerized by his ever so soothing voice. Everyone around disappeared while it was just me and him in the room - and the most beautiful cello player (and pregnant) I have ever seen.I absolutely love the atmosphere of these indie concerts because you are able to encounter nice friendly people (some rude but mainly nice). My new friends Jonnah and Sam were great company and made the concert experience even more enjoyable. I can hardly contain myself to see what happens at Coachellla.

As time flies past, I am in love with life more and more. Regardless of my busy schedule or unfortunate events, I love the life I live and love the people in my life. I am making plans and sticking to it. I being true to myself as well as others. I just wish that there was more time in the day to enjoy how beautiful life really is, but for now, I'm just going to continue doing what I do because it makes me happy. Cliche, but true: "love the life you live, live the life you love."

XOXO

Rest in Paradise

Last week was the most amazing and beautiful time I have yet to experience. I felt like I was on top of the world without anything holding me down. I cannot emphasize enough how blissful it was to take a break from reality to get pampered in paradise. I was able to cleanse my mind and soul to enjoy life even more. I realized that this year was quite a revolution for me. I was able to reflect back on my adolescence years and compare to what I have become today. In high school, I was trying to create myself and figure out what life is all about. So far in college, I am trying to create life (not a child!) and figure myself out. From both experiences, I have completed nothing, but how could I possibly when I'm barely starting life? I am aware of how much I have changed within a matter of months. In January, I was in hopelessly love. In March, I questioned what was love. In April, I fell out of love. In May, I learned to love my family and friends more. In June, I learned to love myself. Now, I am loving life.

I am the type of person who keeps their guard up when it comes to exposing my emotions. I even put a wall up when it comes to family, because I feel like I have to put up a strong front for them to see that I am able to handle reality. I am only able to reveal the raw side of me to those who are my closest and most genuine friends. They are my saviors and gatekeepers - without them, I honestly believe I would be in a mental ward or anger management program. Unfortunately, I find it very hard to bring myself to open up to those who want to be there for me. I push the good ones away, but I realized that maybe there's a reason for it. Maybe they are good people for others - not me. For now, I just want to give a fair warning to those willing potential volunteers to not expect too much from me. I can either blow your mind, or be a huge disappointment.

Pictures of paradise will be uploaded soon!

Happy birthday, America!
XOXO

These Days

I can hardly keep up with the days of the week. Less than 3 days from today I will be in paradise with the sun in my face. Until then, I have to try to keep up with this history online class that I am having the hardest time to focus on.

These days I am a predicament. Is it wrong to want things to be the way they are? No games, no complications, no confusion - just as it is. I have too much on my plate to move on farther or be set back further. As selfish as it seems, it's about time I just focus on myself. I realized I wasn't able to really be able to enjoy myself before, but these past two months opened my eyes. As much as I'm loving life, I know that everything has its limits, but the sky's the limit for me right now.

XOXO

Summer Fine Time

Holy smokes.. May is already coming to an end and I can barely keep up with it. It is now summer and I am back on that rise and grind mode. Working every day this week! I also got into my summer course without any hassle! Work hard, play harder. I'm all about sleeping in from time to time, but I have shit to do and sleeping past noon on a daily basis gets me no where. Some of my close friends left me for the summer, so now I trying to occupy myself with things to do and oh boy are there things to do.. Sometimes I question what goes on in my head. Was I drunk when I agreed to do this? In the end, I manage to pull through and have a good anyway so it all works out! But there are times where I just think that I am asking for a death wish. LOL. So far, I got a chance to reunite with more old friends and also new friends! Life has been very eventful and good to me. I am very grateful for everything and everyone in my life. I can't wait for summer to continue on because I have big plans: Cancun, lake getaway, Catalina Island, skydiving, zip-lining, and get this.. I finally decided on what to get inked. So stoked I can hardly contain myself.

Have a beautiful summer everyone! I know I am right now.
XOXO

I'll Seek You Out

Guess who's back? Back again...

A tremendous amount of weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel rejuvenated and more alive than ever. Cliche much? Doesn't even phase me. Much good has been happening to me this past month or so. I am getting into shape and happy with the results that I'm seeing so far! (Downside: I need a new wardrobe..) My skin suffered terribly from outbreaks since the beginning of the year but all of the sudden toned it down now! I know what specifically causes my hives breakout and I'm going to do all that I can to steer clear of it. I am less tensed and much more relaxed these days. It feels so nice to not hold back on being myself. In a way, I am happy(er).

Time flew by extremely fast, but I'm anticipating for every new day. There are so many things to do, see, and be excited about! I can't help but to keep on thinking about this quote that my friend posted:

"Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself." -Oscar Wilde

And that's just what I'm doing! I hope everyone has a wonderful night! :]

XOXO

Time of Your Life

"I know this ain't usually your scene, but don't worry about it girl, just be yourself. I swear, I ain't gonna, I ain't gonna say a thing. Just have the time of your life, time of your life, let it go. Have the time of your life, time of your life, baby let it show."

This song is the theme song for me for the past week and still will be for the next few weeks, because that all I'm doing - having the time of my life. Hehehe. Oh happy days, you are so good to me lately! ^_^

So I've been taking the advice I gave myself in my last post and it's working miracles. As long as I am leaving that door open for some sunlight, I'm able to see what life has to offer me. I am shocked at how much I've held back - there won't be anymore of that nonsense; I am applying 110% in myself and there's no stopping me. :]

It's time to continue on with the rest of the night! Play safe and stay gold, babies!
XOXO

It's Too Late for Us

Eat, Pray, Love - Chapter 48, page 150: A Conversation Between Liz and Richard

"But I love him."
"So love him."
"But I miss him."
"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go."

Although I was not fond of this book when I was forced to read it for class, I can't help myself but to refer back to this part of the book. At first, I thought Liz Gilbert was acting like a child. She couldn't get over a simple heartache? How ridiculous she is. Little did I know that I would be in the same exact position as her. Oh, Richard, what wise words you hold.

These past few days have been better than the last. I'm seeing more sunshine in my life and surrounding myself with good company. Company. That's all I really need at this moment. Nothing more or less. Company. I sometimes think my curiosity will be the death of me. I can't help but to wonder: "How are you? (Honestly.)" "Do you miss me like I miss you?" "Was I really that difficult for you deal with?" "Am I going to be like my mother?" "Did all that stress override all those good memories?" Some things I will never know. But I am determined to carry on! As of right now, I have too much going on for me to slow down. Company. I am going to surround myself with company who wants me instead of with company who doesn't. I am rambling and not making sense. Sorry. Have a good day!



XOXO

Tongue Tied

Hello world! It is a rainy day today! This week as been full of ups and downs. It started very slowly but worked it's way up to the weekend! After my horrible issue with my wisdom tooth on Tuesday, I got that sucker out of me on Wednesday. THANK YOU BABY JESUS. Everything seemed to be going uphill from there! I got the chance to revisit old friends and those familiar faces. It's nice to see your past in it's current routine.

So these past week, I've been filling up my days with catching up, hanging out, etc. I realized that for almost two years, I isolated myself from interacting with others. I can't believe I used to be that outspoken, feisty teen two years ago. I miss that. Why did I stop expressing myself? I guess for the last two years, I applied myself whole-heartedly to that one section of my life. I'm going to make so changes: I'm going to smile more, ease up on the brow works, and apply the best of myself daily.

Getting back in the game is not how I want to perceive myself. I am going to love life as I did before and see what love it will give me back. I will not force it; I'm going to embrace it. Every now and then I'll give it a little push, but all in all, I will expect nothing more or less. So far so good, right? :]

XOXO

Words of Wisdom

Today I am experiencing the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. Just when things are getting better, my wisdom tooth decides to pay me a visit along with other things. My appetite is now back to zero and my stress levels are skyrocketing. I am drowning in my tears while praying that this toothache does not escalate, but I am wrong. It has traveled to my ears, head, throat, and the rest of my body. If I had the option to jump in front a train or deal with this, I would chose the train without a doubt. It would be a quick and easy death for me. Like I said before, great fucking timing. This week was filled with joyous plans and necessary exams, but now I fear that I must miss all of them and die painfully slow in my bed.

I do not want a funeral; I want to be cremated.

Now if you would excuse me, I have a paper to write and a test to study for. Good fucking night.

Make Damn Sure

Well, well, well... Managed to up my sleeping dosage to almost five hours this time instead of the usual three or four! I'm making progress! Let's hope this sleep deprivation does not kick me in my butt later in the day, because it's going to be a long day at school.

Yesterday was a good day. It started out slowly, but worked it's way up to being a relaxing day that I didn't have trouble accepting. The day didn't feel so long anymore. I'm starting to smile more and shutting out my darkness. I had a close call to a relapse yesterday, but friends and words of encouragement motivated me to hold off on it. I'm too emotional to be making such decisions that I might look back on kicking myself because I wish I hadn't. The distraction I've come up with to help me get my mind off things is just good company. That's all I really need and so far, they are doing just that and more. I can't thank them enough for being so supportive and generous to me.

I've managed to put away those memories hidden away. Quite literally and figuratively. It's pretty painful for me to see that it came to an end all so quickly. One moment we would be like that, but now we're like this. To save me from the agonizing reminder of something that used to be, I'm working on something that no longer will be. As much as I'd hate to admit it, I want things to go back the way they were, but seeing how much suffering it put me through these past few days, I don't want to feel this way again. If it's not going to be this time, there will be a next time, because it already happened in the past. I should've seen it coming, but I had strong hope and faith then. Now I have strong hope and faith in myself to get through this and slap a smile on my face. I am doing a mighty fine job right now, and there's no stopping me.

XOXO

Getting Down to Business

Oh sleepless nights, you will be the death of me.

Yesterday was a day of accomplishments. I finally got to clear my head and be able to see reality (most of it). The hives still remain, but less significant. I ATE. It feels like I ate a whole week's worth of food though. Unfortunately, my sleepless nights are gunna be here longer than I had hope. (Dear Sleepless Nights: Please stop when school starts; I need my rest). I must thank Pandora for coming up with the perfect playlist for the Blink 182 station. Puts me in the perfect mood in my darkest place. And I can't help, but to feel a lot of weight has been lifted off of me. Funny how much of an impact music gives you.

I realized that I've been convincing myself to see things the way I wanted to see them for too long. Does that make sense? Please let me elaborate. I fooled myself that everything was perfect and dandy. I kept on thinking, "This is how things are suppose to be. This is what you're gunna get and you're gunna like it." In reality, I should've said, "No, this is not how things are suppose to be. I do not like this and I could do better." But I didn't. Basically, I was blinded by the efforts I tried to make something work when it was not meant to be. At first, it was us against the world, but it soon became us against each other. I stopped blaming myself that I was at fault, because I applied myself whole-heartedly. All I did was want to give and shower love and emotion. I thought for the better. I wanted to bring out the best. I wanted to give happiness. I wanted to take advantage of what a beautiful life we are blessed with; I wanted to share my love for life. I thought as a whole - not for an individual. Even through the rough times, I still remained positive and tried even harder to apply all the above. I will admit that some times the way I show my emotions aren't exactly in the nicest way, but at least I responded. In the past, it was extremely hard for me to expose such emotions so publicly and freely, but I guess it came so naturally at that moment. This is not a bitterness moment; I am merely seeing things more clearly. I gained so much more insight from this experience, so how could I degrade it? My conclusion from yesterday was: If you're the person who wants to give, but the other party does not want any it, then there's not much to work with, sister. Haha. It just sucks not being wanted. Throughout my life, I've dealt with that problem so many times; it should seem like I would be used to it by now, but how can you ever accept that you are unwanted? Find another resource that wants you and isn't afraid to do so.

Right person, wrong time. Wrong person, right time. Whatever you wanna call it, I'm going to use that cliche line from "This Means War":

"Don't choose the better man, choose the man who makes you a better woman."

XOXO

Queen of Wishful Thinking

I must confess that this is much harder than I thought. I was fooled by my morning hunger yesterday. Although I managed to prolong my sleep to four hours instead of two or three, I keep on waking up anxious for something. I don't know what I'm anticipating for that makes me on my toes. Okay I lied, I do know what I'm waiting for, but I'm 99.9% that it's not going to happen. Even after a long day of occupying myself with busy work and mere distractions, I still find myself sensitive to everything. Having a casual conversation with a friend would cause the water works to start - how silly of me. The great company who have supported me is more than I can ask for and I'm trying my best to be myself again - for them. I don't want to be that person who is lifeless; what a burden it will be to be around with.

Of course my mind is constantly flooded with what if thoughts, wishes that I could've done something differently, and happy/sad memories that replay in my head. After I can't take it anymore, I bring myself to realize, "Well, this is it, friend. You can keep on wishing and wanting better results, but in a few years, you're going to see that this was the better results. If you think about it, you can't force things to happen your way. You can only be a factor of how life turns out, because it requires so much more than yourself to determine end results. You just gotta wait for those other factors that are able to bring you happiness and results that you want." During this hard time of withdrawal, I am desperate to want everything to go back to the way things were. I hope this phase doesn't last long; I want to find the sun in the darkness of my shadow.

Yesterday while in my friend's car, my ears managed to catch on to song called "King of Wishful Thinking." I can't help but to say that this song is my theme song as of this moment. I guess I wanna say that this is a little something that's going to be my motivation - wishful thinking.

"The King Of Wishful Thinking"
[Originally by Go West]

I don't need to fall at your feet
Just cause you cut me to the bone
And I won't miss the way that you kiss me
We were never carved in stone

And If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
Because I am the king of wishful thinking
Because I am the king of wishful thinking

I refuse to give into my blues
That's not how its gonna be
And I deny the tears in my eyes
I don't wanna let you see, no

That you had made a hole in my heart
And now I've got to fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you

Because I am the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
Because I'm the king of wishful thinking

If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ships not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
Because I'm the king of wishful thinking
I am the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you I know I will
You made a whole in my heart
But I won't shed a tear for you
I'll be the king of wishful thinking
(I'll be the king of wishful)

I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my hearts still beating
Cause I've got no more tears for you
I am the king of wishful thinking
(king of wishful thinking) no



XOXO

So We Meet Again

My hives have found its way back to me, permanently. Isn't that just lovely? Seems to me that it's much more than a coincidence to be finally back out of all the times. Great timing, hives! But know this: I won't let you make me trap myself in my room popping Benadryl ever four hours. I will see daylight again without worrying about you. Be scared, hives! Hehehe.

I woke up this morning happy to know that my sleepless nights are improving! Meaning I am able to sleep.. somewhat. Although after 2 or 3 hours I still wake up in a panic, I was able to go back to a deep slumber which is progress. The nightmares I had are currently nowhere to be seen and I am so relieved. I don't think I can go back to sleep if they return again. So wish me luck that they are gone forever! (=

Another upside is that my hunger is back! After days of a diminished appetite, I woke up wanting food. I started off with a crisp apple which tasted like heaven. Now I am anxious to eat whatever I can, but I should control myself.. Can't afford to gain any weight at this moment.. Hahaha.

I didn't wake up this morning to expose my progress. I woke up feeling like I got life back into me like I wasn't able to for a long time. It feels really nice to see and feel the brighter side again. Maybe today is just a good day for me and the upcoming ones will put me into my dark place again, but I will be aware that those good days are possible; therefore, I will work hard to get to the brighter side.

I'm ready to get back at it!

XOXO

Dear Self

Find my sun in the dark side of my shadow.
- "Not Your Fault" by Awolnation

This isn't easy right now; it's hard to accept, but be happy knowing what a great ride it had been. It may feel like a total loss right now, but you also gained so much more out of it. Think of it as a profit. You are fortunate to have the most wonderful friends around you, so there is no excuse to say you feel lonely, missy! You will be up and at it before you know it. You will be okay, not matter how terrible you feel right now. Keep on thinking GOLD.

XOXO

P.S. Stop crouching over so much; you're gunna look like the Hunchback of Notre-dome. Stop looking mad all the time - doesn't give a good impression to others. Give more gratitude and appreciation to those around you - it's nice to remind them how much they mean to you. Now quit your sobbing and whining because you sound like a psycho blogging to yourself although you're the only one reading. HA.

Felt So Lonely in Your Company

My theme song for the past month:



XOXO

Most Wanted

Yves St. Laurent Rouge Volupte
in 13 Peach Passion & 27 Rose Paris


HRH Collection :
1. The Original Cuff Necklace
2. The Hollywood
3. The Sheba
4. The Ultra Luxe Bracelet

XOXO

Latest Obsessions

From GoJane.com



I am sure I am able to make this on my own, but time is not on my side. These simple snap-ons will dress up a simple crew neck sweater.

XOXO